Episode 02: Is it me, or is it my child? (Listen to the episode below!)
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In today’s episode, Megan recounts the early years with her son, recalling how she spent time trying to figure out if she was doing something wrong as a mother. As his challenges intensified, she realized he acted out at home, but nowhere else. Finally, she took him to a psychologist at four years old, and he was given a diagnosis.(See more below)
Welcome back! In the last episode, I recalled my rock-bottom parenting moment, which ended in flipped furniture by a three year old and a visit by my elderly neighbor. This, and other memorable moments, didn’t exactly solidify my standing as mother of the year. As my son went through the preschool years, I became more and more perplexed by his near-constant meltdowns. Surely, I must be doing something wrong. Yet, something inside me recognized that my son had problems that were out of my control, and likely had nothing to do with me. Still, I felt incompetent, frustrated, and drained.
By this time, Mr. 7 was in preschool. During parent/teacher conferences, I approached his teacher and described the behaviors we were seeing at home. “Do you…see these things, too?” “No,” she said, surprised, “Not at all. He’s shy, and doesn’t assert himself with peers often, but that’s it.” Of course...these out of control/an alien has taken over my son’s body behaviors were limited to….our home. I mean, that’s good. But not helpful. Mark one point for “it’s me” in the “Is it me, or is it my child” debate.
After taking my son to the pediatrician a number of times, he recommended I speak with the in-house “therapist”, who provided my son and I with a 10 minute office visit. She told me I should read some parenting books and start by offering my son “two choices” if he was upset. AKA…she didn’t believe me. I was just another mom who couldn’t control her toddler and needed to take a Parenting 101 course.
Except...she didn’t know me. She didn’t know I was an elementary school educator for over 10 years. That I grew up in a teaching family. That I researched endlessly for my son. That I had basic common sense. Mark another point for “it’s me”. So that was a short meeting, and I didn’t ask for her help again.
The meltdowns continued. Finally, I asked the doctor for a referral to a child psychologist. After a few months of waiting, we got in with an experienced, wonderful doctor. This doctor was so wonderful that he was very popular, and after he evaluated my son, we waited almost 8 months for the final report which stated his diagnosis. More on that in a minute.
During that evaluation, my son worked on cognitive and academic tasks, while the doctor watched his behavior. As expected, Mr. 7 didn’t show any signs of anger, outbursts, and he certainly didn’t flip any tables. Instead, he was animated and ready to go. He loved showing the doctor everything he knew.
At one point, Mr. 7 came out for a snack. I was sitting in the hallway, in a chair. “So, I’m not supposed to give you any information until the final report comes out,” the doctor said, approaching me, “But…have you ever considered your child to be gifted?”
Gifted? In what, screaming? Gifted…
I took that information in, grateful to him (and still am to this day) for forgoing standard evaluation rules and giving me that little piece of heaven in the hallway, so I could start the healing process on my own psyche.
Of all the things I thought we’d hear about Mr. 7, gifted wasn’t one of them. He was smart, yes, but have you heard his meltdowns??
As cool as that news was (and I knew nothing about giftedness), it didn’t change his outbursts. When the final report came, I took notice of a new term I hadn’t heard of before, “Twice Exceptional” and noted that he was gifted, with likely anxiety.
So we had answers, and a diagnosis. Mark one point for “it’s my child”.
What’s happened since that time? Well, lots of things, including a second evaluation a few years later (which produced the same diagnosis). But honestly, my son’s behaviors haven’t changed that much. What did change - is me.
Is it my child? Yes, he has a diagnosis. He has a brain that he was born with that’s both a curse and a blessing. He has strengths; he has weaknesses. He is who he is. Is it me? ALSO YES. But not in the way you’d think.
See, it took a few years, but eventually, I rid myself of the guilt of my son’s behavior. Once that happened, I felt like a new mom. I became more confident, and in turn, I parented my son (and all my kids) the way I always knew I wanted to. It just feels right, now.
So, if you don’t feel in tune with your child, just know - it’s them. But it’s also you, in the best way possible. Try looking for one small moment each day in which you do something positive for your child. I guarantee, there’s a million, but start with one. Have confidence in yourself that you were able to do this thing for your baby. As you start to notice these small moments, my hope is that you become more empowered to trust your gut. Support your child in whatever way he/she needs. Together, the two of you will rule the world, one small moment at a time.